Melissa's Blog

About…

Melissa Risdon — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 15:48:23 GMT

My name is Melissa Rae Risdon and I live in the San Francisco Bay Area. I was born and raised in here and my parents still live in the house I grew up in. I have an older sister Jamie who also blogs: http://jpd.typepad.com/ she’s been an inspiration to me in starting this and has been encouraging me to do so for over one year.

My parents have been happily married for over 42 years. They are great parents to my older sister and I. Growing up we always were laughing, having fun and enjoying ourselves. We ate dinner together most nights. I grew up playing soccer and softball and we went on a family vacation every summer to the Russian River for two weeks.

I went to the same middle school and high school as my parents. I received an AA degree from College of San Mateo and a BS from San Jose State University.

I’m 35 years old, I own my own coaching business and I have the luxury of working out of my home. Before becoming a Life Coach I worked in corporate America for over 10 years. I worked my way up the ladder at SAP America, Inc. from front desk receptionist, to Contracts Administrator to a Sales and Distribution Consultant. After working for SAP for over 5 years I moved on to NVIDIA Corporation where I was a Business System Analyst. I left my secure job 2 years ago to take some time off, enjoy life and start my own business. I’m now a successful Life Coach helping people have more loving and fulfilling relationships.

I’m writing this blog to share with you my own personal experiences of the relationship advice that we hear. A lot of times we read the advice, we know what we are supposed to do but actually doing it is a whole other story. I’m going to share those stories with you through my blog.

I’ve already posted some blogs that aren’t necessarily about relationships but they are about me. They are things that I felt necessary to post.

If you want to learn more about my business please check out my web site at: www.RAEcoaching.com

The Self Discovery Process

Melissa Risdon — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 11:19:30 GMT

I wish I could tell you there are 12 easy steps to follow that will take you from beginning to end on the self-discovery process. Yeah, I wish. If I can make that happen I might as well promise you I can sell you the magic pill, it will make you younger, smarter, thinner, firmer and tan too! If you realize it’s a process then welcome to the process or better yet, welcome to my process. Self-discovery is a process it’s not something that just happens overnight, it is something that happens daily over time.

Sure there are things that happen, change actually happens in a heartbeat, but how long it took to get to that moment is a whole different story.

I began my conscious self-discovery process 4 ½ years ago when in the first day of therapy as I’m crying about my divorce my therapist says “It’s about having a relationship with yourself.” To be honest I didn’t know what she was talking about. I’m thinking, uh does she want me to masturbate or something because if that is the case, I’m out of here. It’s funny to think about that moment now because the truth is, life is about having a relationship with yourself.

It’s about knowing and understanding your emotions. Learning how to make improvements in areas you want to change, asking yourself better questions. I had no idea when I walked into therapy how helpful it was going to be. Did you know that anger is a secondary emotion? Well at the time I didn’t, when you’re angry it’s usually due to some other emotion. With me it was all about fear. Now when I get angry I ask myself “What are you fearful of?” this usually leads me to the truth of the situation.

There are lots of questions I ask myself now and I’m going to continue blogging about them. Below are some of them that I’ll be talking about in blogs to come:

What am I afraid of?

What’s the truth?

What is the gift in this moment?

What is this really about?

How old do I feel right now?

Will this affect me in 10 minutes? One hour? One day? One week? One year?

Who am I really?

What do I really want?

What am I grateful for?

What is the positive intend behind their behavior?

What am I focusing on?

What is the meaning?

What do I need to let go of?

What is forgiveness?

Who do I need to forgive?

Congratulations?

Melissa Risdon — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 14:50:24 GMT

One of the worst things that has happened in my life has been my divorce. It has also been one of the things I am now most thankful for in my life. When I say this to people their heads cock to the side like a dog that is confused and their faces tighten up in disbelief or confusion. Yet this is true, for me. Going through a divorce was painful, all my dreams, my desires, my wants were yanked out from under me. After we mutually agreed that this wasn’t the right relationship for us I sat on the couch for 3 months and ate ice cream. I was depressed.

About 3 ½ months after the final decision I saw a friend of mine, I hadn’t seen him or talked to him since the final decision. He asked how I had been and I told him about the divorce. My voice was sad, my face was sad and he looked me right in the eyes and said “CONGRATULATIONS!” Now it was my turn for my face to tighten, my head to cock to the side, the sound of Scooby Doo “Huuuu?” going through my head, looking at him in disbelief. He saw this look on my face and said “No one who’s ever gone through a divorce has said they should have stayed in the relationship longer.” Now I have no idea if that is actually true, I’m sure some people would argue that, yet for me it hit a nerve.

I knew I had made the right decision to end the marriage, I knew that I had done the best I could do, we both had. Yet we both knew it was time to move on. Hearing “CONGRATULATIONS!” at such a point in my life was exactly the words I needed to hear in order to start a new chapter in my life, it prompted me to turn the page on depression and writing my new life.

The pages were blank, the ideas were fresh, I was curious, I was scared and more then anything I was determined to have the life that I knew I deserved and wanted. That was one of the first moments when I realized that going through the divorce was going to end up being a very good thing for me (and for him too).

It’s now been over 3 years and my life is completely different then it was back then. The shifts, the changes, the growth I’ve made in the past 3 years has been extraordinary. Going through the divorce was one of the hardest things I’ve gone through at this point in my life and it’s one of the things I’m most grateful for because it’s put on this path I’m now on and I love the direction I’m headed.

When Does Change Happen?

Melissa Risdon — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 11:18:03 GMT

Change happens in a heartbeat. It does, it truly does. Think about the things in your life and all the things that have changed. Think about decisions you’ve made, decisions you’ve made that have changed your life. Some things have changed your life slightly and some have changed your life forever. The decision, the moment, the change…..they all happened in a heart beat. How long it took you to get to actually get to that point of change is a whole other question.

Grandpa

Melissa Risdon — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 16:01:48 GMT

On December 27,2007 at approximately 2:00am in the morning my Grandfather passed away. He was 92. My dad and his sister were with Grandpa when he passed away. It’s been an emotional month for the entire family. Everyone knew Grandpa’s health was failing, it had dramatically declined since Thanksgiving. After he was hospitalized for having difficulty breathing on December 12^th, we all knew the end was near. Family from all over the states flew in to see Grandpa. They were able to have conversations with him, see him, touch him, hug him and love him the way every Grandpa deserves. Grandpa held on to sp he could see everyone. Christmas Eve is always our big family celebration with my Grandparents and this year was no different. Grandpa’s health was failing yet his wit, his smile, the glimmer in his eyes, his sense of humor were all still there. Since his passing I’ve had wonderful conversations with family members, I feel like I’ve gotten to know them better. I feel closer to them then I have ever before, there is a bond between myself and some of the family members that will now always be there. Part of me is sad that it took Grandpa’s passing for this to happen and the other part of me, the larger part of me is so very grateful for the gift that Grandpa has given me. He has given me a gift of being grateful and thankful for the people that are in my family. Thank you Grandpa for being my Grandpa, for being a role model, a wonderful man and now, in your passing, for bringing me closer to my family…our family. Thank you. I love you.

It’s About Having A Relationship With Yourself

Melissa Risdon — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 16:00:27 GMT

She said to me, “It’s about having a relationship with yourself”. I was 31 years old and it was the first time I was hearing these words. I’m sure I had actually heard them before but it was the first time they resonated with me. “It’s about having a relationship with myself?” I asked. I wondered what that actually meant. I truly did not know what it meant. I did not know who I was. I was 31 years old. I had been living in this body of mine for 31 years. I had been thinking in this mind of mine for 31 years. If someone had asked me, “Who are you?” I would not have known what to say. I did not know how to answer that question.

Who am I? I remember the feeling of confusion. I felt overwhelm. I felt emptiness. I felt awkward. I felt fear. I was bewildered. I didn't have a clue who I was. I felt stupid. I felt lost. I felt like I had been missing something. I was angry. Why hadn’t anyone told me this before? Why did I not know that I was supposed to know who I was? I was 31 years old and I did not know the first thing about myself.

After taking some time (a lot of time) to think and adjust to this knew thought process I began to discover that I did know a lot of things about myself. I realized that I was afraid to share who I was with anyone. I was afraid to tell people my thoughts, my hopes, my dreams. I was afraid they would think I was wrong. I was afraid they wouldn’t like me. When it came right down to it, I was afraid they wouldn’t love me if they knew who I was on the inside. I felt ugly on the inside. I felt that there was something wrong with me. I understood intellectually that this was crazy. I knew intellectually that people liked me. I knew intellectually that my family loved me. I knew intellectually that my friends loved me. I understood it intellectually. I then knew that I needed to understand it emotionally.

I began to take baby steps. I began to share my feelings with those around me. I started to share my feelings with loved ones. I started to share my feelings with co-workers. I started to ask questions. I started to ask myself empowering questions. I started to use my voice to express who I was. I started writing down my thoughts in a journal. I started being honest with myself. I started being honest with those around me. I started to show who I was. I started to accept who I was. I started to like who I was. I started to love who I was. I started to have a relationship with myself. My self-confidence improved. My self-esteem improved. Once I decided to be honest with myself it was much easier to be honest with those around me.

I choose...

Melissa Risdon — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 16:00:57 GMT

I remember the day very clearly. It was about 3 years ago yet it's still very clear in my memory. The day I learned the lesson that my life was exactly where it was at because of the choices I had made. I was not in a good place emotionally. I was not in a good relationship. I was not happy. I was not being honest with myself. I was exactly where I was because of the choices I had made.

It wasn’t anyone else’s fault. There was no one to blame. Not even myself. Life stopped for me that day. It stopped dead in its tracks as my mind wrapped itself around the concept. On the inside I was screaming, “I DID NOT CHOOSE TO HAVE THIS LIFE, I DID NOT CHOOSE TO FEEL THIS WAY”.

Ironically I did. I did exactly that. I had made the choices, the decisions that lead me down the path, that lead me to that exact moment in time. The moment was surreal for me. I think I walked around for a week with my head in a cloud as I grasped the idea. The idea that I was where I was at because of the choices I made.

I was the one that choose how I felt. I was the one that choose how I talked to myself. I was the one that choose how I communicated with others. I was the one that choose the meaning I placed behind events. I was the one who choose the questions I asked myself. I was the one that choose to ignore my inner voice. I was the one that choose what I focused on. It was my choice and I realized I had not been making positive choices. I choose to look at the negative. I choose to ask myself what’s wrong with me. I choose to ask myself what is wrong with him. I choose to ask myself what is wrong with her. I choose to focus on what was wrong with every situation.

I choose to look at the situation as black or white, as right or wrong. I choose not to see everything that was in the middle. I choose not to see the grey area. I choose to judge others by their looks. I choose to judge myself by my looks. I choose to do things I did not agree with. I choose to put other’s feelings before my own. I choose to do what other’s wanted or expected me to do. I had made all those choices. I slowly realized that since I was the one that had made the choices for where I was at, then I was the one that could change the direction I was heading.

I now had the conscious awareness that I had the choice to improve things. I had the strength, the power, the control to make better choices. In turn I would have a better life. So I decided to make better choices and that is exactly what I did. I choose to use positive language. I choose to ask myself more powerful questions. I choose to focus on the positive not the negative. I choose the meaning I put behind events. I choose how I felt. I choose to listen to my inner voice. I choose what was right for me. I choose to stop judging myself. I choose to stop judging others. I choose to love myself. I choose to look at everything that was great about me. I choose to change my career. I choose a new relationship. I choose a new life. I choose to take ownership of where I was at in my life. I choose not to blame others. I choose to take responsibility. I choose to respect myself. I choose to accept myself. I choose to express myself. I choose to be true to myself. I choose to life my life to the fullest. I choose to smile. I choose to have fun. I choose to communicate my feelings. I choose to be honest. I choose…